The return of Kabloom

Katy Perry Orlando Bloom reunited

So now that Witness has sunk into the ocean (no-one can tell if it’s done well or not, none of the three singles have cracked the top 40 yet it debuted at number one on the Billboard charts. It’s also sold half the sales of Prism) Katy Perry is ramping up the visibility for her upcoming tour.

Last week, there was speculation that Katy and Rob Pattinson were together after they were seen out and about having dinner in LA. Katy and Rob have apparently been friends for ages and they’re both pushing products (movies/tour), so it’s mutually beneficial thing for them to be seen having a good time with each other. No-one really believed it but it made good headline.

This week however is a different story with the return of Kabloom. Katy was spotted in Orlando Bloom’s lap at an Ed Sheeran concert, nuzzling and getting it on. This is significant for two reasons:
a) This is a public announcement that she’s back together with Bloom. If they were looking to keep it quiet, they would not be caressing where everyone can see them.

b) I find it interesting that their reunion debut is at an Ed Sheeran concert, and not at Dave Chapelle’s Radio City gig. Ed Sheeran is one of Taylor Swift’s best friends, she helped launch his career, what is this if not a dig? I don’t believe this was a coincidence.

If they want to get back together, fine. It’s fine as long as I don’t have to see them paddle-boarding ever again.

UPDATE:

I completely wiped from my mind that this happened. Ugh. Was it that long ago?

Robert Pattinson’s quest for a New York hot dog

It’s possible that Robert Pattinson and I are soulmates. I also am on a constant, unending journey to find myself a hot dog that will bring (more) meaning to my life. Although I do believe he might have solved his whole existential crisis by ordering from UberEats. You don’t even have to leave your hotel room Rob.

Kendall Jenner and the problem with tipping

Sometimes Kendall Jenner must just wake up in the morning, and despite being gorgeous, wealthy and famous, just hate being Kendall Jenner.

Because frankly, it must seem like people are gunning for her all the time. I mean, you think you try to do everything right and then a bar publicly shames you for not tipping.

Kendall Jenner receipt

Apparently Kenny went to Baby’s All Right in Brooklyn, paid for $24 worth of drinks and didn’t tip. So the bar decided to post the receipt on Instagram. For the official record, this is a dick move by the bar to capitalise on large-scale Jenndashian hate. Eh guys, I hope this was worth the 50 extra followers or whatever.

Secondly, no-one actually knows whether Kenny actually left a cash tip, if it was an oversight (y’know alcohol?) or whether she decided the server was sh!t and didn’t deserve one. Continue reading

Domino’s hair and the impracticality of superhero hairstyles

I’ve loved Zazie Beetz since I saw her as the exasperated Van in Atlanta. And you know I’m really glad that she’s going to be Domino in the new Deadpool 2. She looks great! Doesn’t she look great guys? She’s using Deadpool as a rug. It’s funny.

Domino Deadpool Hairstyle

There’s just one small thing, that hair. That hair is going to get her killed, some mug is going to grab it in a fight and then Domino will be dead. End of movie. Deadpool mourns her. Time for another sequel.

But you argue, what about all of the other superheroes who also have wildly impractical hairstyles? I’m not excusing them either. I also think that Wonder Woman, Super Girl, She Ra, Thor and Black Widow all need to invest in some hair ties and I’ve been thinking that for some time. I’ve been a big advocate for tying your hair back since Drew Barrymore had a chunk ripped out by the Thin Man in Charlie’s Angels. I get it, the studios prefer female superheroes with long hair because it’s pretty, it says feminine when your girl is punching someone out and it looks nice when the wind whips it after saving the world. But damn, it’s impractical.

Halle Berry Catwoman

Do you know whose hair gets a pass from me? Catwoman. Specifically Halle Berry’s Catwoman. Let’s ignore the costume (because wtf, someone will stab her in the stomach and then it’s lights out for her internal organs), but that hair will not be her downfall, dammit.

Some thoughts on tattoo placement. I sigh.

I don’t know why, but there is a Macaulay Culkin renaissance happening right now. He is suddenly everywhere, maybe he got a new PR person? Yesterday I was scrolling through and there he is with Paris Jackson, getting matching tattoos.

Paris Jackson Macaulay Culkin Spoons

By itself, it’s kind of cute. They’re a pair of spoons. Someone mentioned there’s a possibility it’s related to spoon theory, but as far as I know neither Paris nor Mac have a chronic illness? Compliments aside, I hate, hate, hate the tattoo placement on Paris. It’s her body and she can do whatever she wants with it but it’s so incoherently placed that I don’t understand it. Is John Lennon more important than Dad? She does know that John Lennon used to beat Cynthia up right? Continue reading

Angelina Jolie on Vanity Fair: She’s my BEC

I’m back from hiatus! I swear I’ll never leave you again. While I’ve been gone, this phrase started to float past me on various sites: BEC. BEC stands for Bitch Eating Crackers, it’s someone who annoys you no matter what they do, even if they’re just nibbling on a wafer, hence BEC. It doesn’t have to be rational.

Angelina Jolie Vanity Fair

Do you know who my BEC is? Angelina Jolie. And she’s in the press again with her new Vanity Fair profile. You know how the piece goes without reading it, she’s the ultimate mother , who pretty much only comes out of the woodwork to promote her new passion project – whether it be In the Land of Blood and Honey or Unbroken or this new Cambodian piece on Netflix. Blah, blah, blah, it goes into her history with the Billy Bob blood vial, her kiss with her brother, her estranged relationship with her father and my eyes closed involuntarily out of boredom. There hasn’t been a single profile of her in the last ten years that hasn’t mentioned these factoids infinitum. One day I hope to read that she’s joined a chess club or something.

And nothing annoys me more, then when Ange plays the martyr-victim. There’s a quote in the article where’s she asked about the impact of the divorce on the kids:

“And yet it seems she wants to get her point across, which calls for a careful choice of words, something of a high-wire act. “They’ve been very brave. They were very brave.”

Brave when?

“In times they needed to be.” Other statements are similarly cryptic. “We’re all just healing from the events that led to the filing . . . They’re not healing from divorce. They’re healing from some . . . from life, from things in life.”

Angelina is a put-upon wife, like I’m Blackbeard the scourge of the high seas. Don’t cast aspersions and manipulate, just come out and say what you mean. How about that?

And while there’s nothing wrong with making movies you believe in (hey Al Gore!) but her movies are all abominable, she can’t act and she certainly can’t direct. So. I’m looking at her filmography and there’s not a single good movie in there. 0/47. Those are some shitty odds.

So there you go, Angelina is my BEC. Thinking about her simultaneously irritates me and puts me to sleep. Who’s your BEC?

John Heard, Macaulay Culkin and some random thoughts


Coincidentally, I’ve been thinking about John Heard a lot lately. I’ve been on a 90s film binge and he delightfully showed up in both The Pelican Brief and Awakenings. It’s that brief, warm recognition of “Hey! That’s Kevin McAllister’s Dad!”. John Heard will always to me, be the seminal dad from the Home Alone series. Probably if they didn’t have so many kids, they wouldn’t have lost count of Kevin completely twice. Those movies are a lesson in contraception and overpopulation. It’s also on some level, a child wish-fulfilment fantasy, what child doesn’t want to torture a bunch of adults who are stopping them from running wild? RIP John Heard, you were a bright spot in a sea of 90s movies and we millennials thank you for the memories.

Speaking of Macaulay Culkin, I was walking  with a friend today, when he stopped and pointed out his old apartment. Apparently my friend and Macaulay were poker buddies. I don’t know why this flustered me so much, on one hand, MC has to live somewhere. And on the other, he seems to dislike everything about Home Alone so why would he choose New York as a home base? Do you think he actively avoids going to the Plaza? The internet tells me that he did give up New York for Paris anyway, so maybe he was sick of people asking him to quote “I made my family disappear!”

I asked my friend what he was like. “Oh, he’s a nice guy. Down to earth.” That wasn’t the answer I expected, we should all be glad that the kid turned out alright in the end.