Robert Pattinson’s quest for a New York hot dog

It’s possible that Robert Pattinson and I are soulmates. I also am on a constant, unending journey to find myself a hot dog that will bring (more) meaning to my life. Although I do believe he might have solved his whole existential crisis by ordering from UberEats. You don’t even have to leave your hotel room Rob.

Trailer thoughts: Mother!

About two weeks ago, I briefly talked about the teaser for Mother! the new movie directed by Darren Aronfonsky and starring our girl Jennifer Lawrence.

So now the entire trailer is out… and it still doesn’t make that much sense. Historically, Darren loves a movie where the protagonist loses their mind (Requiem for a dream, Black swan, does Noah count?) and it looks like Jen loses it from too much house renovation. I am onboard with this, because I am permanently tuned into the Life channel and am fairly sure that watching Tiny house, big living plus Househunters may make you dented in the head after a while.

Also possibly I’m desensitised, but I do not find lightbulbs filled with blood scary. I was raised on Stephen King, people. Unless it’s a lightbulb from the mouth of a deranged spider-clown, I’m mostly okay.

What I do find scary in this clip is that huge, hulking twenty year age gap between Javier and Jen. I mean it guess makes more sense that she’s married to Javier who can more likely afford a big, beautiful house in his forties and it’s not Jen and Chris Pratt trying to sack up for mortgage payments. But still. Uncomfortable.

Also can we have a Michelle Pfeiffer-naissance please? Right about now. It’s time for her to come back. She is greatly missed, someone give her more stuff to do. It did occur to me while I was watching this clip, that if it turns out that Michelle is somehow Jen’s mother (or mother!) I will very likely swear off Aronfonsky films forever. Don’t do this to me Darren.

Trailer thoughts: Death Wish 2017


Wow. That was two minutes and twenty seconds of second amendment justification. Nothing uncomfortable about that in this current climate.

If the police can’t solve your problems, why don’t you pick up a gun and solve them yourself? Forget the law and forge your own justice. Look how cool Bruce Willis makes it look! He’s shooting people to the soundtrack of Back in Black and making jokes to his therapist about how it makes him feel better. Guns apparently save the day.

Sometimes Hollywood is the problem, you can’t glorify this shit, make money off it and then be surprised when people imitate it. Also I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised that it’s directed by Eli Roth, who loves to make a hacky, violent movie when he can. Sorry Bruce, I’m not planting my flag for this one in November.

Domino’s hair and the impracticality of superhero hairstyles

I’ve loved Zazie Beetz since I saw her as the exasperated Van in Atlanta. And you know I’m really glad that she’s going to be Domino in the new Deadpool 2. She looks great! Doesn’t she look great guys? She’s using Deadpool as a rug. It’s funny.

Domino Deadpool Hairstyle

There’s just one small thing, that hair. That hair is going to get her killed, some mug is going to grab it in a fight and then Domino will be dead. End of movie. Deadpool mourns her. Time for another sequel.

But you argue, what about all of the other superheroes who also have wildly impractical hairstyles? I’m not excusing them either. I also think that Wonder Woman, Super Girl, She Ra, Thor and Black Widow all need to invest in some hair ties and I’ve been thinking that for some time. I’ve been a big advocate for tying your hair back since Drew Barrymore had a chunk ripped out by the Thin Man in Charlie’s Angels. I get it, the studios prefer female superheroes with long hair because it’s pretty, it says feminine when your girl is punching someone out and it looks nice when the wind whips it after saving the world. But damn, it’s impractical.

Halle Berry Catwoman

Do you know whose hair gets a pass from me? Catwoman. Specifically Halle Berry’s Catwoman. Let’s ignore the costume (because wtf, someone will stab her in the stomach and then it’s lights out for her internal organs), but that hair will not be her downfall, dammit.

Mother! trailer: Those voices inside your head

I had to watch this twice. Twice. And I still don’t know what’s happening other than Jennifer Lawrence is opening a door and people are yelling at each other inside her head.

Google describes it as “A couple’s relationship is tested when uninvited guests come to their home.” I’m not sure how I’m supposed to get that from this clip but okay then!

On the other hand, look at this poster – it’s pretty great, it doesn’t look anything like our girl Jen, but it’s pretty great all the same. Keep the poster maker and fire the trailer editor.

Mother! Jennifer Lawrence


Trailer thoughts: A wrinkle in time

Chris Pine is having a very good year. It’s like he heard that there was a Chris-athon and wants to be the best Chris (should I slide him up the scale? It’s a hard climb dislodging Chris Evans and his dog pictures).

This movie looks gorgeous. Inanely, mind-blowingly gorgeous. Everyone is upping the ante on who can create the most beautiful universe in cinema (I’m giving Valerian a chance on that alone). Although as always, I’m cautious that it’s going to be pretty but not effective (hey again Valerian!).

Oprah, Mindy Kaling and Reese Witherspoon round out the cast as Mrs Which, Mrs Who and Mrs Whatsit and they look stunning. Bonus points for diversity as always, I mean, it’s an Ava DuVernay directed film, she’s all about the inclusiveness. I haven’t heard any whining about it, but surely there are pockets about it on the internet somewhere. Those are not good places.

A Wrinkle in Time is scheduled for release in March 2019, which is a long, long, lead-up. In Ava we trust. 

Spider-Man: Homecoming review: The happiest Spider-Man

Spiderman homecoming review

We’re all familiar with the story of Peter Parker being bit by a radioactive spider, so the smartest thing this movie did was to cut all that shit out. I love that it’s not a retread of the other movies, there’s no Mary-Jane, no Gwen Stacey, no Harry Osborne, not even a Daily Bugle to hit someone on the face as they run by. At no point, does Peter pick up a camera and I can’t tell you what a relief that is. It’s a story about Spider-Man working out who he is, without the weight of history and foreshadowing. It bloody works, and it makes the film so much lighter. This Peter Parker comes with less angst than any previous incarnations, and it’s true to life – he’s a teenage boy with an amazing tech suit-thing plus access to Tony Stark, what’s to complain about?

Tom Holland also brings an enthusiasm that wasn’t there before. He’s a Spider-Man that loves life, loves his friends and likes helping people. It’s refreshing to see a superhero that wants to be there and enjoys what he does, as opposed to the superhero who is there because of grim circumstance and responsibility (hey DCEU, I’m looking at you.)

Michael Keaton also works as Adrian Toomes/The Vulture. In comparison to other Marvel villains, it’s easier to understand his motivations and he’s a compelling presence on screen. He’s not a monster chasing magic rocks to rule the universe, he’s a guy with a winged suit trying to scratch some money together. Evil can be banal too. I read one review that said, “In short, the Vulture is the first supervillain who seems like he voted for Trump.” That characterisation is bang on because you recognise Toomes’ grievances as the ones that have changed the US so dramatically in the last year.

Also I have to shout-out the diversity of the cast. There’s interracial marriages! There are Indians! African-Americans! Asians! Everyone’s there and acting like teenagers, it makes my heart warm. Hopefully this isn’t an anomaly and it continues with Spider-Man: Graduation.

There’s a cameo with Donald Glover as Aaron Davis, which pings the suspicion that Marvel may be trying to create a bigger universe around Spider-Man. The Avengers will have to wind up eventually so who better to take its place when it goes? The bigwigs at Marvel know they have a good thing with Tom Holland and Robert Downey Jr has already said that he’s going to stop doing Iron Man when it gets embarrassing (soon Downey, soon). It’ll be interesting to see where we are with this in 2023.

Spider-Man: Homecoming is one of the better Marvel movies. I know that’s a big call to make. This movie single-handedly shook off years of Spider-Man fatigue. Sorry Tobey. Sorry Andrew.